Transcripts
Here's Why I'm Here
(slow, electronic music)
- There was definitely
concerns about going
to the CPT program.
I mean,
there was a fear of
what if I go in
and it brings back
a bunch of stuff
and I leave worse?
There was a fear about,
right now I can maintain
my life somewhat,
what if I go into this thing and
I can't maintain anymore?
That was probably
the biggest fear
about going into the
program, period, for me.
Coming out possibly
worse than I already was.
You know, it was just
do or don't.
So I chose to do.
Said I'd make a video
before I went to treatment, so.
So, I'm really
nervous right now.
I have...
I'll be leaving at
seven in the morning.
Supposed to be there
checking into a Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder clinic.
There'll be 32 other vets
that went through
so much situations
and things like I have,
and
hopefully, after 22 days,
I'll come out a happier
and better person.
And not feel so
anxious all the time.
(downtempo music)
For the first week, you get to
write your impact statement.
Write everything down as far as
what was going on with our life.
Here's why I'm here.
Basically, it talks
about my traumas.
Not specific traumas, but,
what had effected on my life.
What things were
different with me,
and how I reacted
to my environment
and the people around me.
Just the way I viewed my life.
(apprehensive music)
And I wrote down,
I didn't really enjoy
the things I like to do.
I just started becoming
really distant from my family,
my friends.
I kinda pulled away
from my spouse.
We got divorced.
In the restaurant, I had to
sit with my back to the corner,
make sure I could
see all the exits,
where the possible
threats were at.
Loud noises would trigger me
and I'd jump out of bed
and be on the floor.
I kinda hit rock bottom.
Debating on taking my
own life at one point.
And just was really
depressed all the time,
in and out of relationships.
Family didn't really understand,
and maybe thought I was
mad at them or whatever.
Wasn't the case at all.
(slow electronic music)
It's extremely hard to
write your impact statement.
It's kinda coming to
term with yourself,
looking yourself in the mirror.
It's very key
to starting the entire
process, actually.
I Didn't Deserve To Be Happy
- A stuck point to
me is thoughts that
prevent you from being yourself.
Almost like a dark
cloud that you keep
over you or something,
and you can't
seem to push your
way through it.
(solemn music)
A lot of my stuck
points that I had from
the war carried over
into my civilian life
into my relationships with
my family, my friends.
I had a list of
stuck points that I
had no idea that I
even had, you know,
30, 40 or who knows.
But one of my biggest ones was I
didn't deserve to be happy,
I didn't deserve to be loved.
You know, I made it home,
maybe I shouldn't be here.
People that didn't
get to make it home
probably deserve to be
here more than I do,
and why them, why not me?
(solemn music)
And so I did an ABC
worksheet for my stuck point,
which is my belief was I don't
deserve love and happiness.
You take that stuck
point, and you analyze
all the reasons why you feel
you didn't deserve to be happy.
You're like, "Well, why don't
you deserve to be happy?"
And I wrote down I've
done terrible things,
I've let people down,
and I have failed
in a lot of ways.
My therapist asked
if my belief was
habit-based or fact-based,
and are you thinking
in all or none terms?
Which made me re-think
everything again.
Someone did marry me once,
I've been loved
before (chuckles).
It makes you re-think everything
in your thought process,
and you kind of take
your blinders down
for a second and examine
the whole situation.
You have to challenge
yourself in order to change,
look at the whole 360
instead of just the
narrow-minded point of
view with blinders on.
Then you come out
feeling so much
better than you
ever knew you could.
Treatment definitely
helps a lot with that.
(electric guitar)
Pulling The Thorn Out
(birds tweeting)
- Writing the trauma narrative,
it's basically talking
about the thing you
went through the most
that caused you
the most distress,
the most discomfort
in your life.
You write about it.
(gentle music)
It's necessary, 100% necessary.
It's like pulling a thorn
out that you've been
carrying the entire
time, and if you don't
write that trauma narrative,
you're never going
to get the thorn out.
(gentle music)
Yeah, it's going to be
rough, it's going to be hard,
it's going to be painful.
You have to dig it out,
but in the end, it's out,
and you feel so much better.
Once you start,
things that you forgot about
that you never even
remembered were
even there start coming out,
and then pouring
out on the paper.
I mean, you keep
remembering more and more,
and what it smelled like,
and what it felt like,
and what were you feeling
it the time it happened,
and what did you see?
Then you remember
more and more things,
so you got to keep
writing and writing and...
It was very difficult.
A lot of times you
had to stop because
tears would hit the paper,
but I always kept
pushing through it.
And to me, I got
finished with it,
and a little sigh of relief
kind of came over me.
(gentle music)
The reading it to
my therapist was
kind of a surprise
because before I know it,
all this stuff started
pouring out of me,
stuff I didn't even know I had.
It just started
flowing out of me.
I allowed myself to feel the
impact on what happened to me,
and actually feel
the emotions that I
had bottled up for so long.
And then when that happened,
this huge, huge relief
just came flowing
over me, and instantly almost,
this giant chip I carried
on my shoulders for nearly
a decade just dissipated,
and I felt so much better.
It wasn't I wouldn't say by
any means an instant fix,
but I definitely felt a
lot better after I did it.
I can breath again (chuckles).
(gentle music)
The Way I See My Trauma
- Toward the end of therapy,
you have to write a
second impact statement.
But this time around,
it wasn't stressful
in any way, it wasn't
a burden to me.
It came really natural to me,
and I guess once you
write that second impact
statement and you
go back and you
look at your first, you
realize how much change
you've done, and how
much growth you've had
in that little bit of time.
And it's almost like
seeing another person.
As you go through
CBT, you realize that
there was a lot of
things beyond my control.
I was doing what I was
supposed to be doing,
I was watching the area,
I was pulling guard,
I was making sure
everything was good to go.
It was 120 degrees outside,
I had all my gear on.
There were so many
factors that played
in effect that day,
that you look at that
one single event,
and you don't see it
the way you used to anymore.
It was a chance for
me to go back in
and maybe see things
that other people
seen in me that I
forgot to see, you know?
That I maybe let
fall by the wayside
and realize that, "Hey,
you are a good guy."
I could definitely see
the changes in my beliefs,
the changes in my thoughts,
the way I viewed by life,
the way I see the world,
and the way I see my trauma.
You know, the trauma
still happened,
it still took place,
but it doesn't
affect me nearly as
much as it used to.
It's very minimal.
It's definitely manageable now.
This box here contains
all of my military
memories, letters,
photographs, different
stuff I had collected,
friends, and all the places
that I visited, I guess,
the entire nine years
I was in the military.
(gentle music)
Before I went for treatment,
I wouldn't have been able to
go through this box.
It would have been me
breaking into tears.
I don't think I could
have actually done it.
Now after all this stuff,
I see all the people,
and the good memories,
and the places we got
to go and experience.
(gentle music)
Nothing can describe
what it feels like to
feel alive, and
appreciate everything
that's going on around you.
The wind hitting
your face, the water,
seeing people laugh and smile,
and actually be
content with that.
I absolutely love
the world I live in.
Yeah, I wouldn't
change it for anything.
(gentle music)