Military Sexual Trauma (MST)

(lighthearted guitar music)

My name is Yvonne
Grissett, U.S. Army Veteran

and I was a 94 Bravo,

a cook.

I like to bake cakes from scratch.

Cakes mean love, home, peace,

family, togetherness.

I dream of owning my own cake restaurant.

I've always baked,

even in the years that I was lost.

(ominous music)

I went into the Army.

I was 19 years old,
right outta high school

looking for The American Dream

and I actually got The American Nightmare.

I married another soldier

who physically and sexually
assaulted me for two years.

It was humiliating, devastating,

it was vile, degrading, it
was the worst time of my life.

I would just drink.

Ultimately, I ended up
living under a bridge.

I had a cardboard box
that I had flattened out

and some bags of clothes,

and it was my life.

My alcoholism progressed to
full-fledged drug addiction.

I was resolved that I
had a moral deficiency

and this was my lot in life.

That was it.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2011.

It was like a weight was lifted

because some of the thoughts
and things that I did,

I could see how it resulted from the PTSD,

that I wasn't just
drinking myself to death,

I was self-medicating.

Then I started having panic attacks.

I saw my ex-husband on the train.

The next day I saw him again.

Then I started seeing
him in the grocery store

or on side streets.

My solution was, I'ma stay in the house,

I'm not goin' anywhere.

Seven or eight months
later, I was in my house

with knives stashed all around
my house to protect myself

and I knew that I needed help.

So I made myself get up
and get out and go to VA.

The first therapy that I
agreed to participate in

was CPT.

And I began to recognize

how the PTSD affected my thinking patterns

so that I could make different
choices behaviorally.

Then I took prolonged exposure twice

and it was a relief.

It was something but

I knew I had just scratched
the surface of my PTSD.

I knew I had more work to do.

I wanted to address the sexual assault

that I had experienced in the army.

My therapist suggested EMDR.

We would process some of
the hardest memories I had

of my trauma.

I was reluctant.

I didn't wanna talk about it

but I knew that

if I wanna get rid of it,

I gotta do the work.

And I agreed.

I would explain to her some
of the worst experiences

that I remember.

I remember one time,

I was laying in bed and
somebody punched me in my face

and was beating me.

I didn't know who it
was who was attacking me

but when I finally opened my eyes,

here it is my husband
attacking me and beating me

and he had this look like
a monster on his face.

We processed that with EMDR.

And Doctor Dor said some statements,

she asked me to repeat it.

She says that I'm okay, I'm strong,

and I repeated it.

And she said, I matter,
and when I said, I matter,

it came up out of the depths of me,

I matter.

I

matter.

I said it maybe 10 times
back to back to back

I matter.

I matter.

Yeah.

I matter.

I never even fathomed that I mattered.

It was just powerful.

It's powerful now.

(happy music)

And I walked out of that
session like a human begin

like powerful,

strong,

and like courageous,

like I went in the military.

And that's what EMDR did.

EMDR did that.

I think a person owes themself, you know,

to make a commitment to themselves

to do the best that you can for yourself,

especially if you're a veteran.

The responsibility is that you
learn about your diagnosis.

You learn about the treatment options

because you never know what can work.

My willingness to try something different

is what catapulted me to
the person that I am today.

And I don't think I'm marvelous.

I don't think I'm there yet. (laughs)

But when I opened the cake restaurant,

I'll be the best me that I can be.

That's my dream.

I am a father today,

I'm a husband today,

I'm a valued employee today,

I'm of service today.

(birds chirping)

My name is Eddie Statsmann.

I'm a US Army veteran

from a long line of US Army veterans.

I know what I wanted to
do while I was in the army

and that was fight.

You know, that's all I ever
knew how to do is fight.

But I think what I was looking for was

just some friends.

(breeze blowing)

I didn't have no friends growin' up.

When you live in a shack
with no running water

and it's embarrassing to
bring kids over, you know,

when you tell kids at school
that you're in a foster home

you know, you don't do that.

You don't have no friends.

(roadway passing)

On the night of joining, you know,

when I was in Phoenix, Arizona

and we went back to the hotel,

a series of incidents led to a stranger

tying me up, beating me,
and raping me at gunpoint.

Boom.

(distant traffic passing)

(distant siren)

As soon as I could get my hands untied

I called 9-1-1.

(dispatch radio chatter)

There was no compassion on that night.

I didn't feel it.

The army did nothing for me.

But that next day, I'm in
a room with 20 other people

that are police and military officials,

and stuff like that.

And they had me bent over a table

giving me a rape test.

I felt like evidence.

It was just the most
degrading thing I ever felt.

And in my head I had two thoughts.

I could either commit
suicide or I could go ahead

and be the most hardcore soldier I can be

and just bust my hump.

The thoughts ate me up

'cause it was a hard existence, you know?

I drank a lot.

I left the military after two
years and 10 months of service

and after I got out, I
started methamphetamines.

I ended up getting married.

I had children.

I was high that whole time.

And I went from being a
functioning individual

with dreams and goals

to a homeless, drug-addicted addict

riding around with bike gangs

and doing horrible things to people

and not taking care of myself.

I caught felony charges,

I was threatened with
life in prison by a judge.

I lost my children to foster care.

I was so messed up that I
had completely forgotten

what had happened to me, what I was doing,

why I was doing it.

I heard someone say, "Eddie, go to LA."

Turned around real quick

there was nobody there.

Call it what you want but
I call it an experience.

When you go into LA where
I don't know anybody

and I thought to myself
why not go to the V.A.?

At 10:00 on Friday night, I
was at the hospital front door

telling the guy, "I'm broke, I'm hungry,

I'm homeless, and I'm
tired, and I need help."

And he had me in a program
on Friday night at midnight.

You know, you don't script
it better than that.

(drone zipping)

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2009

after going into rehab.

I had no idea that what
was going on with me

was considered PTSD.

It felt so relieving

just to have somebody I could tell it to.

I got to the point where I believe that

I was a survivor and not a victim.

So I keep, I stay in, I stay in therapy.

I apply everything I learn in therapy.

I use it on a daily basis.

I don't have to think about
using it, I just do it.

- Bye dad, love you.

- I love you, see you later, Jason.

I never took care of my kids
for the first nine years.

Have a good day at school.

- Bye dad, love you.

- Love you, have a good
day at school, man.

Darmy.

So today, having that desire and drive

to go to work to make sure
there's food in the fridge.

Have a good day at
school, baby, I love you.

You guys have fun.

See ya later.

To make sure the internet's
on to do homework,

to make sure the lights
are on so they can see,

like that is Dad stuff, to me.

But to tell them I love them

even before I leave the house,

every time before I leave the house

and hear them all say
back, "love you, Dad,"

that's amazing, man. (laughing)

That's who I am today, I'm
doin' okay. (chuckling)

I've always thought of PTSD being, like, for deployments or war,

and I never really thought of myself as having it.

And I've kind of minimized the impact and think,

"Oh, should I waste these people's time? My situation is not that bad."

After being in the Marines for a year and a half, I was sexually assaulted

by another Marine who was also a co-worker and a friend of mine.

It's embarrassing to talk about, but I don't want to be scared anymore.

I want to be stronger. [Laughing]

My name is Laura Hendrixon, and I have PTSD.

Being home by myself, I would basically be in panic mode the whole time.

I would think, "Somebody knows I'm in here by myself, and they're going to get me."

You know, and then I would, "Oh my gosh, I want to get a shower,

but I can't get a shower because I'm home by myself, and if I'm in the shower

I'm not going to be able to hear if somebody comes in the house."

I would get scared to the point that

I wouldn't close my eyes when I'm in the shower.

Rinse off as fast as I possibly can and get out!

I finally had a doctor point out to me that,

you know, it would be really good if I went through this treatment.

I knew I needed to do it because I can't wait to have kids,

and I was like, "I cannot be this person with kids.

I'm going to, like, wrap them up in bubble wrap."

I made a list of things that I need to be able to do:

make left-hand turns, ride in an elevator, go somewhere by myself, get showers.

It's like, I need to learn how to deal with this stuff, now.

It was very difficult at first.

I had to go back to that moment and, you know, describe exactly how I felt,

and emotions, and fears, and everything about the moment.

It did get easier.

You actually record yourself, and then you listen to it,

so it in some way tricks your brain into accepting that

this did happen to me, and, you know, I'm going to be OK,

and it's going to get better.

Everything about me, now that I'm more educated on PTSD and everything,

now I realize all the other things in my life that I'm like,

"Oh, well, that's probably why."

Like I want to do forensic accounting, like, fraud detection.

I want to catch people and make them pay for their mistakes

because so many people in my life haven't, you know.

My husband is a lifesaver.

We're going to counseling together, and they're helping us

talk through some of the daily struggles that I have with PTSD.

He's so good for me, like, he encourages me to do things I'm not comfortable with.

I definitely plan to keep moving forward with it.

I'm always thinking, like, "Just do it!"

I can do all kinds of stuff. [Laughs]

I have a great life, I really do.

To see my granddaughter, I take the trolley to North Station,

and then I take a train there to Lowell.

But years ago, taking the trains and buses, they were awful.

Number one, I couldn't get on when it was crowded.

Sometimes I'd have an anxiety attack.

And then when it stops at the next stop I would get off.

I'd be sweatin' and everything.

Sometimes I'd even start talking to myself on the train, it was crazy.

I mean, I'd yell, "Hurry up, open up, open up this door!" you know.

And someone on the train says, "Hey, what's wrong with you?"

And I'd turn around and, "I'll come over and kill you, you son of a bitch!"

That stuff, I don't do that no more. [Laughs]

I can converse with people better.

I can talk to people.

I don't have to make believe I'm someone that I'm not, you know?

I'm just Richie Adams, you know, recovering alcoholic and addict,

Vietnam Vet, you know, who already went to hell and come back, you know?

I was just so messed up, I was just so messed up.

You know, I know the booze and drugs does that to people,

but when I was doing it, it was like,

"I really don't care what others think. I don't care about what my family thinks."

The pain inside, it just tears at you.

Not just at your insides, but in your mind, too,

like there's no way out.

You know, either I'm going to kill myself or someone's going to kill me.

I think a lot of it had to do with, in the military

I was robbed, I was assaulted in the Philippines, and assaulted sexually.

And when I got back on the ship, I had a, I didn't tell nobody,

so I just kept it that way, you know.

And that really kind of screwed my head up, you know?

Because I became a very angry guy.

I mean, I'd get in fights.

I'd go into a bar room, you know, hit a guy with a bottle over the head

if he looked at me wrong, you know, I'm serious.

And I heard about this shelter, a VA shelter down in Boston, and I went there.

First I said, "What's PTSD?"

And he says, "Posttraumatic stress disorder."

I says, "Sounds like something I could have."

It was healing for me, talking to my counselor,

because I thought I did something wrong.

And talking to her about it, it's just,

I more or less felt that I didn't do anything wrong.

I was a victim, and I was, and I was ashamed.

And I'm not ashamed today, you know?

She was a big help.

But I do have a great life, I really do.

I'm content, I love people, I, you know, I go out.

I walk if I want to walk down to the store,

grab a newspaper, read the paper, do a crossword puzzle.

And I look around, I say, "Man, I can't believe this."

I says, "I made it," you know.

Some people might say, "Made what?"

I says, "I made it! I'm a human being today, a good human being."

You know, I wish I knew I had this earlier, but I always believe that

everyone finds out about themselves sooner or later in life.

And it's never too late, you know?

(Laughing)

(chattering)

- [Penny] I was a social butterfly

before my last deployment.

We had parties at our house all the time.

- [Guest] Are you alright?

- [Penny] We would have 20, 30 people,

and it was fun.

(dramatic music)

However, I go to my last deployment,

and I come back a very different individual.

(kettle whistling)

My days were spent hibernating, isolating.

If I could get away with not leaving the house

for three days, four days a week,

I would do that.

I wasn't showering.

I wasn't brushing my teeth.

I wasn't even getting out of my pajamas.

My poor husband had such difficulties,

because not only did I make myself a recluse,

I made him a recluse as well.

(chiming)

Through therapy, I have slowly come out of that shell,

and now my ability to socialize has been getting better.

I've been letting myself get into the community again,

and it's been amazing.

(chattering)

I enjoy when people come over.

We have been to a friend's birthday party,

a graduation from college,

and we've entertained in our home.

Before treatment, there is no way

that any of this would have happened.

I have great friends.

I'm able to get out and do things

that I haven't done in years,

and it is wonderful.

It's amazing where I'm at right now.

(slow, dramatic music)

- [Female Voice]
Before treatment,

my life was extremely chaotic.

Whether it was my trauma,
or everything else going on,

I just, I couldn't get
a grip on anything.

A lot of hurt.

A lot of isolation.

I hid from everybody.

(slow, dramatic music)

I was homeless, and

had to sleep in Penn Station.

I just couldn't deal
with being around people,

because I was so overwhelmed
with fear and anxiety.

I wasn't sure who
was there to hurt me.

The anxiety would be a ten.

(slow, dramatic music)
(moves into uptempo music)

- Hi! (laughter) How are you?

- Since I've gotten treatment,

my quality of life has
definitely improved.

I enjoy being out in
public, with people.

And now I'm always telling, my
husband or whoever I'm with,

I'm like, "Come on,
guys, let's be outside!"

You know, I don't like
being stuck inside.

- At 110 degree
weather, in the south.

- I'm thinking more in the
positive side of things.

(laughter)
- Oh my gosh.

- Cheers

- I don't think I could have
done it without therapy.

Because,

I didn't have,

the knowledge of
what was occurring,

within my brain, specifically.

- I don't know what this is yet.

- So if I hadn't sought therapy,

I would have just
continued to ignore it

and just keep things inside.

- No oh! (laughter)

- It's definitely, nice to
be able to feel supported

and to not be isolated.

To know that I'm
not an army of one,

but actually an army of many.

So, it's great.

(upbeat music)