family, marriage, resentment, anger, intimacy
Transcripts
Everyone who's close to me also serves, also pays a price.
One of my recent discoveries is that, it wasn't just my choice
to serve my country, to wear the uniform.
Everyone who's close to me also serves, also pays a price.
My PTSD affects people I would never want
to be adversely affected by my behavior or things
that I insist I need to maintain my comfort level.
It really was hurtful to my family to see me like that.
It affected my family because I had a lot of anger outburst.
It would be upsetting for them to see me like that.
You know, not wanting to go and do things with them,
isolating myself, drinking, not having the emotions,
happy emotions and stuff.
I was kind of just flat.
So it really was hurtful to my family to see me like that.
I had trouble with intimacy...I had to protect myself.
Part of the process is trying to explain, you know,
what PTSD really means in everyday life.
The reasons that I had trouble with intimacy was,
you know, I had to protect myself,
which comes to the safety issue,
the personal safety issue that's related to PTSD.
Once the people understand, you know, why your behavior
was founded on some of these symptoms of PTSD,
they begin to understand, you know,
why I acted a certain way at a certain time.
I was tired of being hurt.
Some of the symptoms that I was able to identify with
that really helped me acknowledge that I have PTSD
is my wanting to always be alone, keep myself away
from people because I was tired of being hurt.
Wanting to be in a relationship and not able to
keep a relationship was the major thing,
and I mean that's even personal relationships,
relationship on my job, in the community.
I never felt secure until I was some place where I could be
by myself because I had a deep sincere trust issue.
I didn't like civilian people because, in my concept, they
didn't have a standard and appreciation of military people.
My husband was the one that told me...
My husband was the one that told me that I might need
to seek help because I was going through crying spells.
Everything that came up that was like negative I would cry.
I was so sensitive.
I was so emotional.
I was so short patience and that was not me.
And my husband reminded me that it was a process that I had
to go through and I didn't have to go through it alone.
And I resented my husband.
I resented.
I felt that he was not trying to understand me, not realizing
that he could only, he was limited
to how much he could understand
because my husband is not prior military,
and I withdrew from my husband.
I did. I felt like that was the last thing
that I needed to hear.
After I withdrew from him, I felt all alone.
I felt like this was my partner, this was my mate
and if he didn't understand me, who's gonna understand me?
PTSD [didn't allow me] to express my feelings…
I didn’t think it was possible to live in the same house and isolate yourself from somebody.
I do therapy even though it’s very, very difficult is because I know that it’s a must.
If you're not gonna do it for yourself, at least do it for your family.
If you're not gonna do it for yourself, at least do it
for your family, so they know that maybe down the road
after you get help you're willing to talk to your family
about it, and your kids and your wife.
And so they'll realize why you're acting the way you are
or why in a certain situation this is why you kind of exploded
or something like that.
Just get in there and do it at least
for your family and your friends.